Freedom

I am lost. But come to think of it, this place I am in and what I am writing about may as well be about the television show (and how I hate TV, except for LOST).

I am in a place that I have no bearing and I am afraid to start in one direction or the other because of one simple thing: Truth.

Everywhere I turn are control structures, lines of thought and dogma that cloud the issue and alter reality. These ideas and religions offer you truth, but deliver slavery.

Run from anything or anyone that tells you, ” You must…”

Some magickal writings tell us to create our own framework, while others preach no dogma, which is dogma in itself.

Maybe I’m not after truth, but freedom. Freedom from other ideas and books and religions and television and media and fashion and…the World. Death comes to mind, but this defeats the purpose of the exercise.

Silence is another word. Complete and total silence. Being cut off from anything that can render its message to me in any way, shape or form. Tabula rasa is not good enough. I’m talking womb. I’m talking rebirth. I want to wipe my hard drive and build my own operating system from the ground up.

Everything thought and action will be me and I will set myself free.

Basic Material Needs and Violence

Why does mass violence and war erupt in 3rd world countries?

We don’t resort to violence in the west because we have much more to lose than just our lives. We are attached to so much; our families, our homes, our cars, our shopping sprees, our nice restaurants, our way of life.

When your way of life consists of constant discomfort, perpetual hunger, threats of life-ending disease, and rape and threats of death, you are willing to lose a lot more in order to gain another day of life and security and fleeting comfort or respite from hunger.

And in a strange kind of way and through some twisted logic, I feel these people may be more alive than most of us will ever be.

Index Card Introspection

I bought some index cards in the hopes that I would use them to outline my novel and nail-down the characters and their roles toward the plot and some other writer tricks I had seen or read about. That was almost a year ago.

I still have no novel.

The index cards, up until last week, were still in their plastic wrapping all shiny and new.

I was thinking about the 10 non-virtues of Buddhism and how I have not avoided them to some degree or another, either now or in the past, despite my great work. I was going through the catalog of my shortcomings and seeing how my ego and limited points-of-view had stressed the many parts of my life and I want to make things better, not only for me, but for everyone around me. I could see how I was unintentionally, or at least subconsciously poisoning my environment and adding to my karma. Karma will drag you down.

Karma is like credit card debt; it keeps piling up and making things harder for you in the long run.

So I was uncluttering my go-bag and came across the index cards and thoguht they could be useful to document my shortcomings and show a way for me to stop hurting myself and other people. I started writing what it was I did wrong. I had to step outside of all of the chatter in my head that was saying, “Hey, its OK to do this, after all YOU deserve this, or THEY deserve that, or its NOT HURTING ANYONE THAT MUCH anyway.”

I went through about twenty cards, all filled on one side with the things in my life that did not really benefit anyone at all, let alone myself.

After I reread the cards a couple of times and meditated on how I could make things right, I started to turn the cards over and write what I would do or how I would approach the karma or suffering or shortcomings in my life. Positives for negatives. I was balancing the equation that is myself. I was going to make things better and since then I’ve been feeling good and catching myself before I open my mouth to speak harshly or thinking to judge without compassion.

And you know what?

I’ve been feeling really good. Things are getting better.